I haven’t written in a while.  I just couldn’t sit down and focus and frankly, I just didn’t care about life for a while.  I had nothing to write.  My days consisted of laying in bed, watching Netflix, over eating and feeling like the world was ending.  I was in a hole…a deep dark vortex that was devouring my soul.  I was in one of the worst depressions of my life. I couldn’t get motivated to do anything.  I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get better.  What was the point?! I would still be sick and I would still be in treatment.  It seemed never ending.

I’m still not sure how I got out of my depression.  Maybe it was my fiancé begging and pleading with me to keep fighting.  Maybe it was the blue skies outside my window calling to me.  Maybe it was having to take the dog out.  Maybe it was just luck.

But yesterday I realized, when I forced myself to get out of bed, that I was starting to crawl out of my hole.  I did a little weeding, a little power washing (which completely relaxes me and takes me to a happy place), a little laundry.  I did all that despite the fact that my knees were swollen and hurting and my back was killing me, barely allowing me to stand.  I genuinely needed a nap from exhaustion.  I didn’t just want to sleep my life away for a change.

I asked for my doctor to hit me hard with dosing.  I didn’t know how hard it would be and though I was physically prepared for how hard it could be, I was no where close to how bad it would be mentally,  I still have one more cycle left which starts Monday and for the first time I’m actually scared to start dosing.  Just as  I have started to emerge, I’m going to be dragged down into the hole again.  I’m just hoping I’m far enough out to not hit a new all time low. 

Being sick sucks.  What was supposed to take 10-18 months is now entering year 4.  I’ve has so many setbacks and complications that its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know its not a train.  I’m trying not to be frustrated, I’m trying to be compliant and I’m doing my best to keep fighting.  That’s what you have to do when you have a chronic illness, never give up the fight. Most people will never understand that every single day, even the good days, are a battle…me against my mind and body and the disease.  In my darkest hours I need to remember this. Maybe this weekend I’ll take post it notes and place them throughout the house saying “KEEP FIGHTING!” so that when the depression creeps back in during dosing I’ll be my own reminder this time. 

I have always been a fighter. I’ve gone through all of this with my head held high and fought.  This latest protocol for dosing has changed that.  The goal is to attack the Babesia, Bartonella and Lyme as hard as they can and hopefully knock out (or almost out) the co infections.  Most of what’s left is imbedded in my brain which causes the deep depression and makes me completely unpredictable and often angry, unable to drive for periods of time because I’m disoriented and confused and so helpless I can barely take care of myself and the most menial tasks.  I feel like a small child in an adult’s body with adult problems.  I feel overwhelmed.  I can’t keep track of my finances. I can’t hold together a household.  I’m having difficulty hand writing things.  My tremors are back and now my upper body is as bad as my lower body.  I feel like I’m taking a giant step backwards and 2 baby steps forward.

I know this is what I asked for. This was my own doing.  As they say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Am I regretting my decision? I really don’t know.  I’m waiting to make my decision until the end of last cycle in this protocol.  If I come out on top then I win, if I fall backwards and start regressing even more then it proved to be too much for my body and brain. Either way I’ll continue to press on.

My biggest concern now is that I’m becoming immune to certain antibiotics, Ceftin in particular. It has been incorporated into the last several protocols.  If I’m becoming immune to the antibiotics that are supposed to save my life what am I to do? If I leave things untreated I’ll just get sicker and sicker again.  If I continue with them, I run the risk of becoming immune to more and more antibiotics and then Heaven forbid I need antibiotics for an infection other than Lyme.

I’m going to talk to my doctor after this last round of the protocol.  I’m going to see if I can take a few months with a minimal protocol and give my body a chance to heal a bit before I slam it hard again.  Maybe I just need time to heal emotionally more than physically.   I have so much going on in life that I need to relax and regain balance in my life to get some control back.  But I need my brain to be working to do that.  So I’ll muddle through the next 2 weeks and see how things go from there.  One foot in front of the other, one day at at a time.  I’m crawling out of the hole and the darkness.