It’s a beautiful fall day outside.  I can hear the children laughing and playing.  I’m confined to bed today.  I am in excruciating physical pain and emotionally I am a disaster.  My life has spun completely out of control and I’m trying to regain some sense of normalcy and indepenence.  I came to the realization yesterday that I can no longer do that on my own in any sense.

For almost a year now I have been sliding further and further into the worst depression of my life.  I’ve spent months in bed too tired to get up and wondering what’s the point if I do.  I have missed out on life.  I’ve had no pleasure.  Even planning my wedding has given me no joy, except to know that I will end up marrying the love of my life on that day.  I’ve worried my family sick.  Lost who I was.  I had to turn my finances and getting my meds over to my mom because I could not longer handle the stress of all it.  My demons have gotten the better of me.

In the last 2 months I have been to the hospital 4 times by ambulance.  First it was for passing out, which turned out to be genetic (and added more pills to my daily regimen, as if I didn’t have enough already.) I went into respiratory arrest one time because of it.  I found out that I have multiple ovarian cysts, with one being ruptured. Then I was dosing and some how caught pneumonia (probably from being in the hospital so much.)  For the past couple of weeks I have had catatonic periods where I simply cannot move.  My eyes are apparently semi open but I am completely unresponsive.  It happens when I get emotional.  I have been crying almost non stop.  I think I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than I have in my entire life.

My mom made the decision to take me to my primary care’s office.  Keep in mind that until yesterday I had not driven in nearly 2 months.  My primary recommended that I get my psychiatric meds checked and referred me out.  Yesterday I saw the doctor. He said that I was on too many meds, including too many antipsychotics, psychotropics and benzodiazepines. All of them had been prescribed by my Lyme doctor for various symptoms that the Lyme has caused.  He stated the meds he wanted me off of right away and wants me off the benzos completely.  He wanted me to stop one benzo immediately and they would work on tapering me off of the other.  I wasn’t a fan of the doctor at all but figured he knew best and planned on complying.  He kept asking me how much and how often I did “pot.”  I explained to him that I was on Marinol which is concentrated THC and was prescribed to me for pain control. The response I got was “Pot is pot, I don’t care how you put it. So how much do you use it?” I was so pissed off. (There was some excitement when the staff caught another patient listening outside the room I was in and the girl went crazy and had to escorted out.)

The psychiatrist barely looked at all the paperwork I had filled out.  Pretty much all he told me was that I was on too many medications and I had endured a lot in my life.  (No shit, really?!) I wanted him to ask me more so that he could find the right medications for me, but alas he did not.

I made the decision last night that I need to go to a dual diagnosis rehabilitation/detoxification center.  I can’t handle benzo withdraw at home by myself.  I never thought I’d be the one to go to rehab/detox.  If I go the way of the psychiatrist I will be detoxing for months on end and still be really sick.  That I can not handle.  Being sicker than I already am? Are you kidding me? I can’t do drawn out detox along with treatment for my Lyme, Bartonella and Babesia and depression.  I’ll end up dead.  There was time only a few weeks ago that I was convinced I was going to die because of my disease.  I won’t be able to handle what is coming, it will kill me and I don’t have the strength to do all of that at once.

There is another factor to throw into the mix, my eating disorder.  I was a laxative junkie, anorexic and bulimic in high school.  I spent a lot of time in therapy over the past decade getting it under control and even though I still have body image distortion/issues, my food had not been a problem.  My weight has fluctuated up and down over the years but I was able to handle things and keep them in check.  But over the last several months my eating disorder has become a major problem.  I don’t eat all day and binge out at night.  Because of the stress I have been under I have had a lot of stomach issues including vomiting and diarrhea, both of which I have welcomed.  The vomiting has triggered that part of my brain that tells me its a “good” thing versus being a bad thing and a sign of how sick I have been.  It’s now completely out of control and I can’t get it in check.  Add my stress, my diseases, and now detox and I’m at the end of my rope.  I don’t know how much more I can take. I want to have hope and feel like things will get better but that light is growing dimmer by the day.

I decided that rehab is the best place I can be.  I can safely detox from the benzos. Yes, I know how sick I will be, but I will have medical staff to safely monitor me and put me on antiseizure meds to make sure that I don’t have a seizure(s) while detoxing.  I would have the counselors and psychiatrists on staff to help with my stress and eating disorder and I would safely be able to stay on my protocol for dosing for my Lyme and coinfections.  I was up late last night researching facilities and up early this morning calling places to find a place that accepts both women and my insurance.  I have Medicare because I am on disability and Carefirst Blue Cross and Blue Shield as a secondary insurance, which makes me have to stay in state and is a complete joke.  Not only have they not paid a cent for any of my Lyme treatment but now they won’t pay for rehab.  Most places do not accept Medicare and cannot/will not use BCBS as my primary insurance.  I do have people who are helping me and looking at options and scholarships or “gifting.”  I have no idea how soon or if I will be able to get into a program.  I’m a complicated case that some facilities are just not willing to take on.

I’m scared out of my mind.  I didn’t do anything wrong and now I’m addicted to prescribed medications that I have to get off of.  I will have nothing for my anxiety or PTSD.  The flashbacks and nightmares will be stronger than ever and I will barely be able to leave my house if I don’t get help as soon as possible. My sleep is going to be non existent, which my body needs to get better.   I just can’t spend months upon months living like this.  I just hope something comes through soon, so I can do this and get better.  I want to have a life worth living again.

I managed to sleep for a few hours today out of sheer exhaustion from all of this and from my physical pain but other than that I have been consistently crying.  I needed to write today.  Its been a while since I last posted anything.  I debated about posting this.  It’s an insight into very personal issues, some of which not even my family knows about and will be shocked to find out.  But I want other people to know, so hopefully my struggle, my pain will help them see the light. If I can face my fears (including going to detox) then maybe it will give someone else the strength to do the same.