Its been a while since my last blog. I was trying to go for at least once a week. The last 2 weeks have been both horrific and terrific.
I had 9 days without having to dose and that was beyond fantastic! I could tell I was getting some physical energy back. I actually got to enjoy a few of those days feeling better than I expected. Then the disease reminded me it was still there… they were all still there.
I know I have said how this illness (and treatment) are changing me. I’m starting to get blood flow back to the right frontal lobe of my brain (this part of the brain controls feelings and emotions; often women are ruled mostly by their right brain.) The left side is getting more blood flow as well (this part controls logic and planning; often men are ruled by their left brain) but for someone who has spent years as a left brainer the reintroduction to the ride side is turning me into an emotional roller coaster.
I started as a 911 dispatcher when I was 18 years old. I was a trained firefighter and emergency medical technician and volunteered at my local fire house. From the age of 16, both my hobby and my career were dependent upon the idea of compartmentalizing and shutting off emotions to be able to function at my highest level, people’s lives depending on me. I had to find way to rationalize all the “trauma” you hear and/or see at either my job or while volunteering. But I loved both, I craved the adrenaline rush like a drug. I had to give up volunteering due to joint problems. That was a major blow since I eventually wanted to join a career department. So exercise (usually dancing either at home or out at bar) had to replace my dopamine. I also turned to work, the thrill of a “hot” or “in progress” call. I learned to appreciate dispatching a working fire, living vicariously. A vehicle chase tested my skills to the max. Was this patient in cardiac arrest going to make it because of the instructions I gave? Would the suicidal subject not go through with it because I was there to talk them down? At the same time, both work and volunteering took away my innocence without me even knowing. I was working as much overtime as could for years, thus dulling my right brain even more quickly. Top it off with an extensive amount of trauma (physical, emotional and mental) over the course of my years and I was left brain conditioned.
When I started the unknowing journey of treatment at age 30, I figured I was pretty set in my ways. I had a major head injury at age 5 that was nearly fatal and damaged my right temporal lobe. After reading so much information, that so many survivors of trauma to their frontal lobes, experienced major personality changes and often were “angry” or “aggressive.” I assumed I fit into that category. I never guessed that I didn’t. I figured that my primary emotion over anything was anger and I just needed to work through it and around it. So it started with therapy on and off for several years, for the anger problems. That was the beginning of the parade of doctors. Where they failed, I spent hours upon hours researching, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Diagnosis found. Ok, left brain, tried to rationalize the how and why. I approached treatment the same way. I prepared myself for pain and misery…just not the return of the right brain.
This month continues to be just as difficult as the last on the emotional front and just like I know I shouldn’t, I continue to push myself to evolve with it. Last month there were a lot more crying days, but I’m slowly catching up. I continue to discover parts of me that I thought were dead. I continue to struggle with my faith. I look for answers in everything, only to end up with more questions. Now I have come to the “letting go” stage.
Letting go has always been hard for me. I have carried so many things inside of me for so long that I didn’t know what it was like not to have them. Just like anything we experience, letting go is an essential part of life. We lose relationships for whatever reason (good or bad) and we let go of things that either once hurt us or once enriched our lives. But when your brain isn’t working at any where near full capacity this is a daunting task.
Recently I let go of something I had been holding onto with hope. I wrote a letter to a friend of mine asking questions I needed answers too. Knowing it probably wasn’t the best timing for me, but the not knowing was just eating me up inside. (Keep in mind I’m confined to my house with little or no time to myself and a brain that is like that of a manic depressive on rapid fire, especially when it comes to emotions.) I didn’t get the answers I had hoped for but just setting the record straight, that was such a huge weight lifted off of me. I had my emotions over the issue but then I let go. After years of not knowing, getting the answers I needed (not the ones that wanted) I found myself just able to let go. The wounds are still fresh but I hurt so much less than before they were even cut. I started with the most pressing and one of the biggest issues for me to let go of. Go big or go home, right? I found the whole thing to be cathartic. I love to write letters. It gives you a chance to get things out that you might not have the courage to say aloud or you might not say it the way its supposed to come out. Besides, I think letter writing is a lost art. Maybe I’ll make that my next goal, ha!
I still have some other big things I’m working on letting go of but since the first one, things seem to be going much easier in a way. I am letting go of past judgements on myself, forgiving myself. I’m still letting go of possessions and for once this seems harder than usual (probably because I don’t when I’m going to have money again, so I keep thinking of ways to repurpose, reuse or recondition things.)
Stress still remains an untameable beast to me. The fact that money is so short right now and with all my disability and retirement still out their waiting to come to fruition, I have no idea where I’m going to get money to pay my bills, its caused my anxiety to go all out of whack. For right now I’m letting the meds work when I need them to and counting on my mom to get me through all of this. I’m trying to ground myself spirituality and open my arms to God and the Universe to give me all that I need. I’ll keep you posted on how that’s going, but so far so good. I guess I’ve found my own true need to “Let go and let God.”
I don’t know what the next “stage” is for me. May be it will in turn be similiar to AA or NA, you just keep working all the steps as you go through life. I know I’ve still got many more steps to acquire though I just don’t know what they are yet.