I have been learning a new level, type and duration of pain. I’ve always had a high level of pain tolerance. When I had my thoracic outlet surgery (aka my top ribs removed on both sides) the doctor and the nurses both couldn’t believe I had been through the surgery I had because I was dealing so well. That was the most intense pain I had felt, that is until the last 2 weeks. I’ve had pain in every fiber, every cell of my body. Pain that makes you want to either implode or explode.
The last week has been the worst. I spent days in bed, something I didn’t think I could ever do, no matter how bad I felt. Guess I was wrong. I was so cold and sweating at the same time. Just to have my super soft sheets touching my skin burned so intensely. I felt like I had the worst sunburn of my life, luckily it was just on my entire back and biceps/triceps.
For about two days I needed my mom to press with her entire body weight on my hips and certain point in my back just to be able to move. It was “fantastic” to not be able to move my legs. Again I needed my mom and we figured out a system. She would bear with all her weight into my hips from behind for as long as she could and then she would literally pry my legs apart. I needed a rest before she had to pull me up to a upright position and then pull me up onto my feet making sure my legs wouldn’t give out.
So its been a rough couple of weeks but I’m still fighting. Every day is a mystery and a battle. I never know how I’m going to feel and what new “trick” these diseases are going to throw at me.
As I sit here writing this I have a plumber cutting a hole in my kitchen ceiling to fix a leak from my shower drain. (BIG thanks to a friend who gave me a great plumber:) Its just another thing going wrong. Besides being sick the state and the federal government are doing NOTHING to help. I have still NOT started getting my retirement checks. It took over a week and half to get a call back from my social worker. I STILL HAVE NO INCOME! I HAVE NOT HAD A PAYCHECK SINCE MID FEBRUARY!
Honestly, the last 2 weeks have been extremely challenging. My grandmother just stopped by and in the process of trying to reassure her that I will be ok and better than I have in years when this is over, it was a pick me up for me too. Days when I’m confined to bed its a different story. I have never felt more connected to and aware of my body and I can feel what is happening inside of me. It makes me question why God gave this to me and/or what I did to deserve this. I believe GOD HAS A PLAN, I just wish it weren’t so top secret. I know I have addressed what this disease has taken from me. Most days I still focus on the positive but I do have my “dark” days, days when the guilt of what its done not only to me but to my family. My grandmother cries almost every time I see her and definitely every time I talk to her on the phone and no matter what reassurance I give her that I will pull through this, she is never comforted. My mom has had to uproot her life to take care of me and be my “nurse.’ I have had my pride stripped away but I think its actually what I needed, my rock bottom…my way to start over and be the person I’m meant to be and do the things I’m supposed to be doing.
I had my first good day in over 2 months this past Friday and I probably overdid it a bit but I needed to take advantage of it. My mom and I ran some errands. We stopped at JC Penny’s and I walked with my walker, having to have my mom push me at times while I sat on the chair part of the walker. Even as little as a month ago I would have mortified (what if someone saw me that I knew? or what must other people be thinking? or just my pride in general.) But proud replaced pride. I was proud to be up and be moving. Proud to spend time with my mom. Proud I had fought damn hard and earned a good day.
While things continue to go wrong at every turn (Murphy’s Law.) But I’m remaining strong and I’m still not quitting.
The one thing that surprised me the most is how easily I have been forgotten by my friends. I’ll admit that I’ve become terrible at returning text messages, most days I don’t have the stamina to have a conversation in text. Even people that I thought would be there for me are no where to be found. Part of me knows that the standards I hold for friendship are completely different from what most people do. I can’t help it but I’m a loyal person, I’m Irish and Polish and we always hold our word. Its really all you have. And I admit that I have lost touch with a lot of people over the years as a result of wearing a certain mask to protect myself for getting hurt. It still saddens me to know that people I loved, just aren’t here. I get an invitation to go to an event (for someone else) from someone who is not currently speaking to me and has not reached out at to me all. Maybe I get the invitation, but if that person had bothered to reach out they would know that I am beyond too sick to handle it.
I have decided to love more openly. To be more kind. To forgive & let go, but never forget. What people of my generation really need to know is that its QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. And yes, I’ve known this for years and cut a lot of people out (the poison people), I am putting the time and energy into the relationships that I have left (it will be much better when I am better.) I am done competing in the world. One tree does not compare it to itself to another, it does not say “I’m prettier than you” or ” I’m better than you.” I NEVER thought I’d have problems keeping weight on! I see my weigh going down (I lost almost 10 pounds in 7 days, I see my muscles atrophy and my strength diminish but my soul is growing stronger.
-
Recent Posts
Recent Comments
Midge on All The Things Left Unsai… Vickie B on Road to Recovery Lynn Miller on Road to Recovery Whitney on Woman Down Heidi H. on Woman Down Archives
- June 2025
- February 2021
- October 2019
- February 2019
- December 2018
- October 2017
- July 2017
- April 2017
- February 2017
- December 2016
- September 2016
- May 2016
- March 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
Categories
- alone
- Amen
- ammonia
- ammonia levels
- anorexic
- Antibiotics
- Anxiety
- B12
- Babesia
- Babesiosis
- bartonella
- begging for help
- being ok
- Being prepared
- binge eating
- Blessed
- bulimic
- caveman diet
- chronic illness
- chronic pain
- Coinfections
- Comfort
- Congress
- Death
- Depraved
- depression
- desperate
- desperate times
- detox
- disappointed
- Disheartened
- dreams come true
- Dying
- eat well to be well
- eating disorder
- eating disorders
- Educate
- Emergence
- emotional
- emotions
- ER
- Exhausted
- Exhaustion
- faking
- faking being ok
- Fighter
- fighting back
- finances
- financial help
- finding your way
- food
- food matters
- Freaks
- friends
- germs
- getting better
- getting worse
- go your own way
- God
- growing
- growing stronger
- Halestorm
- healing
- healing yourself
- healng yourself
- Hell
- Help
- helping yourself
- Herx
- herxing
- highs and lows
- holistic
- homeopathic
- hope
- I am the fire
- I will get better!
- I will win
- illness
- Immune problems
- Immune system
- Its not your fault
- IV infusion
- Journey
- Klinik St. Georg
- LBC
- left brain
- let go and let god
- letting go
- Life is unfair
- LLMD
- loneliness
- Love
- Low Cortisol
- Lyme
- lyme disease
- lyme's disease
- Lzzy Hale
- lzzyhale
- Medical
- Medication Overload
- Meditation
- Misery
- Mitch Albom
- money
- money matters
- Morrie Schwartz
- Mycoplasma
- nature
- No Stamina
- obsessive compulsive disorder
- OCD
- oral medication
- oral meds
- Pacing yourself
- paleo
- paleolithic
- pamela weintraub
- poisonpeople
- pretending
- psych ward
- psychic
- psychic abilities
- Purium
- rain
- rainstorms
- Real People
- reflection
- rehab
- religion
- right brain
- rivers
- scared
- Shaman's Harvest
- sick
- sick individual
- Sleep Deprivation
- spiritual
- Spiritual
- spiritual awakening
- Spiritualty
- spoon theory
- spoons
- St Georg Klinik
- St. Georg Klinik
- staying sane
- steps
- suicidal thoughts
- Suicide
- supplies
- supply list
- Support groups
- Support\
- Survival
- TBD
- TBDs
- Team Lymestorm
- Ten Millions Voices
- thankful
- the spoon theory
- thunderstorms
- tickborne
- tickborne diseases
- ticks
- Treatment
- True love
- trying new stuff
- Tuesdays With Morrie
- Uncategorized
- unconventional
- Under Our Skin
- what life's about
- What to expect
- withdrawl
- yoga
- Zombie
For Lyme
Meta
lymestorm 
Howdy! This article couldn’t be written much better!
Looking through this post reminds me of my previous
roommate! He continually kept talking about this.
I most certainly will forward this information to him.
Fairly certain he’ll have a great read. Thanks for sharing!
LikeLike
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your site.
You have some really good articles and I believe I would be a good asset.
If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some
content for your blog in exchange for a link back to
mine. Please blast me an email if interested.
Thank you!
LikeLike
Hey there, You have done an incredible job. I’ll definitely
digg it and personally suggest to my friends. I am sure they will be benefited
from this web site.
LikeLike
_
It’s actually a cool and useful piece of info. I’m glad that you simply shared this
helpful info with us. Please keep us up to date like this.
Thank you for sharing.
Wilma Raney
LikeLike
My family members always say that I am wasting my time here at net,
however I know I am getting knowledge daily by reading such nice articles.
LikeLike
Awesome article.
LikeLike
Hello! I jսst wish to offer you a huge tɦumbs up for
the great info you’ve ǥot гight here on this post.
I will be coming back to үour site for more soon.
LikeLike
I blog quite often and I seriously appreciate your content.
This great article has truly peaked my interest.
I’m going to book mark your site and keep checking for new details about
once per week. I opted in for your RSS feed as well.
LikeLike
I know this website presents quality dependent posts and additional material, is there any other web page
which gives these data in quality?
LikeLike
I am sure this article has touched all the internet viewers, its really really good piece of
writing on building up new blog.
LikeLike
This design is spectacular! You obviously know how
to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start
my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Great job.
I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you
presented it. Too cool!
LikeLike
Wow, superb weblog structure! How long have you
been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The entire
look of your web site is fantastic, let alone the content!
LikeLike
Just wish to say your article is as astounding. The clarity in your post is just cool and i can assume you’re an expert on this subject.
Fine with your permission allow me to grab your RSS feed to keep up to date
with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please
continue the gratifying work.
LikeLike
I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your sites really nice,
keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back in the future.
Many thanks
LikeLike
What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable familiarity about unpredicted
emotions.
LikeLike
Hiya very nice web site!! Man .. Excellent .. Wonderful ..
I’ll bookmark your site and take the feeds additionally?
I’m happy to find a lot of useful info right here in the put up, we want develop
more strategies in this regard, thanks for sharing. . . . .
.
LikeLike
My family always say that I am wasting my time here at web,
however I know I am getting knowledge every day by reading thes fastidious content.
LikeLike
My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post’s to be
exactly what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content in your
case? I wouldn’t mind composing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write with regards to here.
Again, awesome site!
LikeLike
I blog quite often and I really appreciate your content.
Your article has truly peaked my interest.
I’m going to take a note of your site and keep checking for new
details about once a week. I subscribed to your Feed as well.
LikeLike
What’s up mates, fastidious post and nice urging commented at this place, I am in fact enjoying by these.
LikeLike
Admiring the persistence you put into your website and in depth
information you offer. It’s great to come across a blog every once
in a while that isn’t the same old rehashed information. Fantastic read!
I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS
feeds to my Google account.
LikeLike
Very good blog post. I certainly love this site. Stick with it!
LikeLike
Good info. Lucky me I ran across your blog by accident (stumbleupon).
I have bookmarked it for later!
LikeLike
Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article.
I’ll make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful
information. Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly comeback.
LikeLike
This is very interesting, You are a very skilled blogger.
I’ve joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your great post.
Also, I’ve shared your website in my social networks!
LikeLike
I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but
your blogs really nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your
website to come back later on. Many thanks
LikeLike
An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a friend who was doing a little
homework on this. And he in fact ordered me
breakfast simply because I found it for him…
lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
But yeah, thanks for spending the time to talk about this issue
here on your web site.
LikeLike
What i don’t realize is in fact how you are not actually much more well-appreciated than you may be right
now. You are so intelligent. You already know thus significantly on the subject
of this matter, produced me for my part imagine
it from a lot of numerous angles. Its like men and women don’t seem to be involved
unless it’s something to accomplish with Lady gaga! Your
individual stuffs excellent. All the time deal with it up!
LikeLike
Thanks on your marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you might be a great author.
I will be sure to bookmark your blog and may come back sometime soon. I want to encourage yourself to continue your great posts, have a nice afternoon!
LikeLike
Great article. I am experiencing many of these issues as well..
LikeLike
When someone writes an post he/she retains the plan of a user in his/her brain that how a user can know it.
Thus that’s why this paragraph is amazing. Thanks!
LikeLike
Wow, this post is nice, my younger sister is analyzing these kinds of things, therefore I am going to
inform her.
LikeLike
Great post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I am impressed!
Extremely useful info particularly the last phase :
) I care for such information much. I was seeking this particular info for a very lengthy time.
Thank you and best of luck.
LikeLike
What’s up, I check your new stuff like every
week. Your humoristic style is awesome, keep up the good work!
LikeLike
I was recommended this blog by my cousin. I’m not certain whether or not this submit is written via him as no one else realize such distinct about my trouble.
You are amazing! Thanks!
LikeLike
I couldn’t resist commenting. Exceptionally well
written!
LikeLike
Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It really useful
& it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and
help others like you helped me.
LikeLike
First off I want to say terrific blog! I had a quick question in which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
I was interested to find out how you center yourself and
clear your thoughts before writing. I have had a hard time clearing
my mind in getting my thoughts out there. I do enjoy
writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to
be lost simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or hints?
Kudos!
LikeLike
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation however I
in finding this topic to be actually one thing
which I believe I would by no means understand. It
kind of feels too complicated and very extensive for me.
I am having a look ahead in your next publish, I’ll try to get the hold
of it!
LikeLike
Hello, after reading this amazing piece of writing
i am too cheerful to share my know-how here with mates.
LikeLike
Great post.
LikeLike
I blog frequently and I seriously thank you for your content.
The article has really peaked my interest. I am going to bookmark your site and keep checking for new details about
once a week. I opted in for your Feed too.
LikeLike
Asking questions are really pleasant thing if you are not understanding something completely,
however this piece of writing presents good understanding yet.
LikeLike
I was recommended this blog by my cousin. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know
such detailed about my difficulty. You’re incredible!
Thanks!
LikeLike
Hi! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds
me of my previous room mate! He always kept chatting about this.
I will forward this write-up to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read.
Thanks for sharing!
LikeLike
Fine way of explaining, and good paragraph to take facts on the topic of my presentation focus, which i am going to convey in academy.
LikeLike
You’ve made some decent points there. I checked on the net to find
out more about the issue and found most individuals will
go along with your views on this site.
LikeLike
Greetings! Very helpful advice in this particular post!
It’s the little changes that make the most significant changes.
Thanks a lot for sharing!
LikeLike
Wow, this article is pleasant, my sister is analyzing these things, thus I am going to convey her.
LikeLike
This is my first time pay a visit at here and i am really pleassant to read all at single place.
LikeLike